Making Peace

In May of 1970, Bobby Seale was on trial in New Haven, Connecticut. A Black Panther friend of his had allegedly murdered another member because they thought he’d become a snitch for the FBI. One of the shooters testified that he had been ordered to kill the man by Seale himself. The trials were accompanied by a large demonstration in New Haven and the start of the American college Student Strike, as well.

I was 22 and a “full time activist.” Vietnam, Civil Rights, Women’s issues and more all took up the bulk of my time. I’d dropped out of college feeling strongly that unless these problems were resolved, I couldn’t just move along and take care of my own personal life. I was sincere, passionate and on my way from Lansing to New Haven.

A friend of mine, not at all a politico, was driving me there in her new Pontiac Firebird. For some reason, she liked hanging out with me. I think she thought I was pretty cool, a wild-haired hippie chick who knew the stats about any given topic, and could rant and rave with the best of ‘em. Little did she know I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Neither did I.

Passing by Montreal, we turned south back into the states. Coming into Maine was extraordinarily beautiful that time of year. My mind was quieted by the rough ocean waves, rocky beaches, and mountains I’d never seen before.

Something in me wanted to stay, to rest, to take a break from saving the world. I was filled with guilt over that reaction. I really did care about the things I worked hard at changing, but something in me needed changing as well and I finally had to admit it.

I was terrified. My identity was completely embroiled in what I did, but I’d not yet considered who I was, beyond all those beliefs and activities. I was totally burned out and had no clue why or what to do about it.

I told my friend I wanted to stop driving and not continue to New Haven.

As it turned out, staying in Maine for awhile was a truly life-altering decision. I finally had to look in that proverbial mirror and say to myself, “You scream and yell about peace, but are you in peace?”

Clearly, the answer was no.

I started to acknowledge that much of the anger and sadness I felt toward the conditions in the world was also tied to conditions within me. A war was raging there too, but it was much harder to “protest” that one because I had no clue how to end it, no exit strategy whatsoever.

Long story short; I found a way to do that, to end that conflict. It took a long time, but I did make my own personal peace, one that had nothing to do with war mongers in Washington, policies that kept my wages low or the issues of equality that needed to be rectified. Incredibly that peace, the love I’d been hoping would manifest in the world was something I found within me, in a way I could never have imagined.

I lost friends in the movement because of all this. I was looked at by many as a drop-out to the important causes my peers continued to work for. It was a very hard time in many, many ways. The choices I made then weren’t easy, but there’s never been any doubt that I did the right thing…for me.

I had to save myself first or I was, in the end, no good to anyone.

I was telling this story to a woman I met recently, someone my age who is still very politically active. She completely got why I chose what I did back then. She recounted something she read once; that we’re all on a gigantic ocean liner that is heading in the wrong direction and we must turn it around. Since no one of us can do it alone, as the author put it, “Just pick a corner and start pushing.”

I won’t be on the bus to Washington for the peace rally October 2 but I applaud those who will. The corner of this big boat I’ve chosen to push on is one that addresses a peace that can be felt by every individual, regardless of circumstances. In fact, I know people who have been able to feel that beautiful place within, even in the middle of a war zone.

I sometimes meet people who work very hard for peace but, like me 40 years ago, are clearly at war within themselves. I was speaking with a man not long ago who is very active in the anti-war movement. He was very upset with my views about all this. His reaction was clearly angry, as he berated me for what he considered a wasteful use of my time and energy. His own identity was so deeply merged with what he’d devoted himself to that anything outside that was almost intolerable.

He reminded me of myself all those years ago.

I think of the great voices for peace throughout history, those who’ve been so effective and inspiring, and they are always people who drew others to them, again and again, even after death, because they emanated their own personal peace.

Ghandhi surely comes to mind, and Dr. King as well, to name just two. Without that personal example, what is the real value of rhetoric and discussions about peace? Who can be encouraged by what becomes, without consciousness and clarity, just another example of anger and bitterness between human beings, no matter what they say they’re trying to accomplish?

Passion and concern about the conditions of people in this world is always noble, but in no way eliminates the need to feel contentment and joy. There’s nothing at all selfish in that. Without it, we actually contribute to the root of the problems and diminish the energy needed to truly change the things we care about so deeply.

Personal peace is, indeed, a very practical solution, not a form of spiritual escapism, not to me anyway. It’s anything but spiritual. It is, in fact, very real and very effective.

I’m not sure world peace will ever be achieved but unless individuals make peace a reality in their own lives, I just don’t see how it can ever be done globally. I do believe, though, that each person can discover that, so that’s where I’ve chosen to place my attention, this is the message I find as noble as any to share with those around me…if they’re interested.

I also know that peace is possible because if I can feel it, anyone can. I now have so much more to give to the causes and actions that help make the world a better place, because my own world is better.