A few years back I was involved in a boating accident. The boat caught fire and all of us had to jump overboard while the burning boat floated away. One man, weighed down by his wet clothes and shoes, became hysterical and forgot that he could swim. I shouted at him to take his jeans and shoes off, but he was too immersed in his panic to hear me. He was flailing about and taking in water, and all the while I was shouting at him, trying to share flotation devices, and reminding him that he is a good swimmer. He could hear none of it, he just continued to panic. We were all eventually rescued, but the lesson was clear – in the midst of crisis you can be pulled under by the heaviness and forget you even know how to swim.
Depression is like this.
If you have never experienced severe depression then please take a big step back because you have no idea what it is. Don’t say you’re pretty sure you were depressed one time. No, if you are “pretty sure you’ve been depressed” or you’ve gone through a “time of depression” you have NO IDEA WHAT SEVERE DEPRESSION IS LIKE.
I’m sick of the people like Shepard Smith of Fox News pontificating about the recent suicide of Robin Williams and stating that Williams was a “coward” for taking his own life. This is the most ignorant and totally heartless statement, and it takes my breath away that something so callous can be tossed off to millions of rapt viewers. As if someone, so deeply lost in the mire of depression, is taking the lazy man’s way out by taking his own life. This trial by media with the judges sitting in their high and mighty radio and television studios making moral judgments on the heartaches of a man who will never be able to defend himself is just plain crass and unforgiveable.
I just want to shout this: STOP VIEWING DEPRESSION AS A MORAL FAILURE OR CHARACTER FLAW.
We see celebrities with cancer and we are all atwitter about how “brave” they are and how “strong” they are to be fighting the good fight. Well how about turn that charm around and use it for the hundreds of thousands of people struggling to get through each and every day in a fog of heaviness, unwilling to share their burdens for the very fear of what is happening in the media right now.
Often people are so discouraged by their struggle with depression that they lose sight of the fact that they are NOT their depression, any more than a man with diabetes is his diabetes. He is a man that is being treated for diabetes.
People who suffer from depression wake up each day exhausted emotionally and it takes an enormous amount of courage to just get up, go to work or school, keep commitments and try to maintain normal relationships. Everything seems heavier when you are depressed.
Stupid things you should never say to someone depressed:
1. “Don’t worry, God won’t give you more than you can handle”. – This is not helpful or kind. It implies that if your burden is heavy you must be a wimp.
2. “Try to focus on the positive!” – If that worked no one would be depressed. Being depressed is a complex disease, not a lack of positivity.
3. “Try not to think about it” – Really this is just stupid. Not thinking about things is not an option, depression is ever present and you cannot choose to set it aside.
The best thing you can say to someone you know who suffers from depression, and by the way, you probably DO know someone with depression is:
1. I’m sorry this is so difficult for you.
2. I’m here, I care.
3. I see you for who you are, apart from your depression, and I like you.
If someone you know suffers from severe depression keep in touch, let them know you care about them, don’t be afraid to ask them how they are REALLY doing. Very few people really ask.
