Yesterday I woke up, grabbed my Blackberry and logged on to Facebook. Amidst all the videos of someone’s cat playing with a balloon, notifications that someone lost a cow in Farmville, and those who feel they must post what they ate last night, I saw a post from my cousin talking about his cousin that died that morning.
It was 10:00 a.m. and I had no idea which cousin this was. I called my sister who had just been informed that it was our cousin Johnny. I was immediately furious that this was posted on Facebook when our whole family hadn’t even been informed yet.
I called my cousin and asked him gently if he would consider taking the post down so that everyone could find out first by phone. He curtly replied that he appreciated my concern, but that “No†he would not, then he hung up on me.
Wow. I kept thinking how inappropriate it was, how indelicate, what poor form-you name it. I then began to contact my siblings to let them know about the death so that they would not find out on Facebook.
Within minutes I heard another message come twinkling into my Blackberry, a Facebook message from my cousin, who I felt had some explaining to do.
He admitted that it was probably too soon to post it, and in fact he removed the post until later in the day. He said that the news of the death touched off his own grief about his dad, who died last summer, and the sorrow he feels about one of his brothers who is undergoing cancer treatment. I felt my heart melt, it made sense.
He said he posted this on Facebook in order to ask for prayer, but what I think he really sought was comfort.
Is Facebook the new Wailing Wall for a new tech savvy generation? The idea that he was looking for solace made me more understanding of why he did it, and then I realized that many of the posts on Facebook are from people searching for comfort and prayer.
In any given week I see posts from friends who post about someone who was just diagnosed with cancer, or whose baby was born prematurely, or someone who has lost his job. Like scrawled utterances on tiny scraps of paper slipped into the crevice of a holy wall, these daily posts plead with us to take note, to grant their requests for prayer in the hopes that the collective energy of all who read it will turn the tide of their suffering.
No one wants advice, they want comfort and they seek it in the Social Network.
While I wish that we weren’t all so separated, sitting alone in our houses scanning our Blackberries for scraps of news and entertainment, I will concede that social networking is indeed a way to seek a community of sorts who we feel will support our sufferings. It provides a sense of connectedness that is immediate.
Now, maybe with time we will actually use this technology to ask for concrete help, not just prayer from afar. Until then, perhaps a friend could post a “Flash Mob†event such as: “Meetup today at 4 pm, Pete’s house. Bring some good food, or a bottle of wine, your favorite music and be prepared to provide comfort and support!â€
Social Network…hmm. Some postings are irrelevant, others are a cry for prayer, support or updates to be connected with others. I agree with news of death, tragedy and even birth of sextuplets, immediate family would want to know first. Always be cautious of posting news on social networks that you don’t want the world to know.
My sympathy goes out to the family on the loss of your cousin.
Therese
Thank you for this eloquent post. I’ve been thinking of these same things for some time. It even rings true for news about hospitalizations and the like. I recently learned of two friends’ death on-line and I have to admit it was a little disconcerting.
Also earlier this year a hospital arrange on their social network site (closed) to follow the hospitalization of someone I know. It got a little tight there for awhile following daily updates form family trying to be upbeat. Fortunately the situation stabilized and didn’t go south.
I think this is something we all need to be constantly aware of. I have a friend who has a book ready to publish on a caregivers guide to hospitalization and I think this is one area she should cover in subsequent issues.
Thks Billie
How difficult to find out from a Facebook posting that a cousin has died! I would want to hear that from a phone call or visit so I could react with someone who also cares. I do hope the ease of posting to Everyone does not squeeze out the caring for those who really need it. I’m sorry to hear about the death of your cousin. Yesterday, we had breakfast with some cousins, and there is an certain comfort and casualness that comes with that relationship.
Take care,
Barb
Therese,
I am so sorry to hear about the sudden death of your cousin and the insensitive way you learned about it. Your cousin acted too quickly to post the news and admited it. He was grieving, after all and may not have been thinking clearly. We all need to be careful about what we post to consider any consequences to others. I have heard others refer to facebook as a pseudo support group. Indeed, at times, like you are referring to, during times of loss, the social network is a quick connection for those who have lost jobs or loved ones or who are dealing with illness. It is also a lifeline for some friends of mine who live way out in the country. With all of the abuses and the time-wasters I see in the use of social networking, it is so refreshing to read your creative ideas, Therese- a “flash mob” to help out a friend in need- what a fabulous idea!! I hope it catches on!
Sue
Ditto to all the above. What a shock to learn of a death in this manner. I am sorry for your loss, Therese. I can’t fathom how posting the news in that way would be helpful for anyone, including the one who posted it.
Thank you for sharing this interesting post with us.