Three questions for which I really want answers

How can Lady Gaga walk in those shoes? - Because she is not a mere mortal and can defy the laws of physics.

• Why do we care? - Because everything that Gaga does matters. (And she was robbed at the Grammys. Taylor Swift? Are you kidding me? A nice young woman to be sure, but in her duet with Stevie Nicks I worried that someone hidden from view was repeatedly inserting a large pronged object into one or more of her bodily orifices. I’ve heard better sounds coming from a cat in heat. It appears even the infamous Auto-Tune lacks a setting for eliminating “screech.”)

Speaking of physics, can I finally stop worrying about the Large Hadron Collider? - Nope. Not yet. Remember the scare stories last year? That starting up the $9-billion CERN LHC particle accelerator in Switzland could lead to the end of life on the planet because it would generate a flood of tiny black holes that would eat us up? The scientists did bring the gizmo online slowly, not because of fears of doomsday, but to make sure it was running properly. Unfortunately, it sprang a leak, so they had to shut it down to make repairs. There was talk the contraption would be back online by Christmas. New due date for startup is sometime next month (February). So keep your fingers crossed.

• Why do we care? - That end-of-life-on-the-planet scenario seems worthy of our attention. But this is one of so many situations nowadays where worrying is almost beside the point. At best, if I see the earth beneath me starting to hurtle into an inky abyss, at least I will know enough to cry out, “It must be that damn particle accelerator thingie!” before I become star dust. But if the machine works as intended, it should answer basic questions about the universe. According to the Post-Gazette, the LHC will likely confirm or deny the theory of SUSY (supersymmetry) and dark matter, the mysterious stuff that many scientists think makes up most of the known universe but which no one has ever actually found. Even if the LHC throws a moneywrench in those ideas, having proof one way or the other will likely inspire physicists to generate a slew of new theories that make little or no difference in our daily lives but which are fun to think about.

Why would anyone hire Roni Deutch to help them deal with their back taxes? - The late Billy Mays is now OxyCleaning the Pearly Gates in heaven and Vince (Slap Chop) Schlomo is still recovering from the bite on his tongue inflicted when he beat up a hooker. (Would I lie to you? Click here for proof) So the title of most annoying TV pitch person now goes to Roni Lynn. Her new commercials show her inexplicably punching the air as she urges you to call her if you get into trouble with the IRS. (Is she even real? Her website features a picture that looks nothing like her.)

The commercials are so cheesy that it’s hard to believe people actually hire her, but the complaints on Pissed Consumer prove that at least some folks have.

• Why does it matter? - Because our tax laws are so freaking complicated that we all have reason to fear the dreaded letter from the IRS announcing an audit. (Will they let me blog from prison?) Even calling the IRS for answers is no guarantee, since the government experts themselves often give citizens the wrong answers. (A study on errors made by the IRS in 1986 showed that almost a third of all income taxes assessed were subsequently dismissed.) Visions of hotel billionairess Leona Helmsley doing time in prison for tax evasion were meant to scare the bejesus out of the rest of us, and it worked on me. At least eHow offers advice on how you can hire a tax lawyer for free, but I suspect you don’t qualify until there’s nothing left for the government to take.