For new fathers and about-to-be fathers there’s no shortage of books on the subject of fatherhood available online, at your local bookstore or public library. These books offer a veritable buttload of information, experience and advice, little of it being any good or very useful. In fact, the experience of reading many of these books is akin to a set of New Age fingernails being slowly raked across the chalkboard of your brain.
The fault with a number of these books is that they fail to help you with real, everyday situations. The simple parenting situations that can sometimes be the most perplexing and challenging. For example, nowhere in any of these books is there to be found advice for expectant fathers on what to say to their wives’ eight-months-pregnant belly. Yes, we all know by now that babies still gestating can hear their parents’ voices and find comfort and reassurance in these voices. But what these expert books don’t tell you is that the baby can hear everything else, too. Like when expectant momma just happens to plop down in front of a Nancy Grace screed on CNN. Or Emeril LaGasse yelling “Bam!” for like the kajillionth time as he makes a ham sandwich (“There’s the bread! Two slices! Bam!”). Or your wife’s Uncle Frank whispering to her, “Your husband’s job. Is that the best he’s gonna do in this life or what?”
Oh, sure, you’ve seen the TV sitcoms and rom-com movies where expectant fathers chatter away to their wives regulation-sized basketball stomachs. But those scenes have been concocted by screenwriters who smell like boiled onions and are, most often, childless recluses with alcohol and gambling addictions. They’ve had months to perfect a father-talking-to-his-wife’s-pregnant-belly speech.
In reality, most expectant fathers will end up saying things like, “Uh — hey — how’s it goin’ in there?” or “You feel like nachos? I feel like nachos. Let’s get some nachos.”
My advice to you expectant fathers is to prepare several heartfelt albeit brief speeches so you’re prepared when your wife points to her distended stomach and says, “Talk to the baby!” After delivering several prepared-in-advance speeches, you might actually get good at impromptu little baby-belly-talks. Of course, don’t get too comfortable talking to your wife’s stomach. This could result in off-the-cuff, unintentionally honest-to-a-fault talks like, “Wow. You’re mom’s bein’ a real witch today. Okay, so like I’m watchin’ NASCAR, right? And here she comes talkin’ ‘bout remodeling the kitchen! In the middle of the race! What’s that all about?!” I guarantee you: A target will appear on the top of your head and your pregnant wife will be unafraid to aim for the bull’s eye.
As for the fathers of newly born children, nowhere in any of these books is sage advice and timeless wisdom offered that can help you — usually at 3:30 in the morning — as you try to comfort your crying newborn.
Waking your wife at 3:30am for pointers on how to comfort your howling-at-the-moon baby girl or boy is inadvisable since your wife will most likely respond in a groggy voice, “It’s your turn. Grow a pair.” An understandable response considering she’s recently achieved the unimaginable by pushing a new human being the size of a bowling ball out of a small area you once considered your private little dinner-and-a-movie playground.
At this point in time, as you gently rock your bundle of screeching joy in your arms, you’ll more than likely be quietly panicked by the realization that you don’t know any timeless lullabies, Raffi kids’ ditties, Sesame Street songs or limericks that don’t begin with “There once was a man from Nantucket…” No book on fathering has ever offered you a playlist of soothing baby songs.
The truth of the matter is, as I quickly discovered in the early days of my fatherhood, any song can be a soothing, comforting child’s lullaby. It’s just a matter of how you sing it. One of my favorite baby-comforting songs happened to be Riders on the Storm by Jim Morrison and The Doors. Sung in a slow, quiet and sing-songy voice Riders on the Storm loses its inherent creepiness and proves to be a real baby pleaser that can send your little one safely and securely back into the Land of Nod. Steppenwolf’s Magic Carpet Ride or Born to be Wild are also winners if sung properly as are most songs by The Who (Who Are You is a song that has special meaning when sung to your child—but avoid singing Behind Blue Eyes), The Band, The Beatles (skip over Come Together) or, oddly enough, The Rolling Stones even though I would suggest you not sing Beast of Burden since, as a parent, you have essentially signed on to become your child’s beast of economic and psychological burden for the next eighteen-to-twenty-one years.
If classic rock isn’t your thing, then certainly most anything written by The Goo Goo Dolls, U2, The White Stripes, some Green Day or Cold Play will do. Considering a child of nine could write anything Cold Play’s ever done, you’re right in the ballpark with soothing baby melodies and lyrics.
Most classic R&B (think the late, great Luther Vandross) and jazz songs (think Lena Horne and Ella Fitzgerald) are good baby-soothing selections. Opera’s no good. Don’t get me wrong, I like some opera every once in a great while, but there’s no such thing as quietly sung, soothing opera. And the last thing you want to do is scare more poo into your baby’s diaper with a Wagner aria.
Country-Western music is always good but you’ll have to weed out songs about cheating wives, cheating husbands, getting drunk, bar fights, collapsing front porches, shooting the man your wife cheated with, and shooting the man who shot your dog who was trying to tell you your wife was cheating on you. Show tunes? Yeah, sure, go ahead. But be prepared to financially support your baby well into his/her thirtieth year of life as they pursue fame and fortune on Broadway. And, as we all know, the Great White Way is a fickle mistress.
Stay away from the blues. I love the blues, but while many blues songs have simple, catchy melodies perfect for calming baby, the lyrics often involve hot dogs, sugar bowls, jelly rolls, ointments you’re unfamiliar with or the devil making underfunded derivative real estate deals which result in extraordinarily high levels of foreclosures.
Bottom line here is check the playlist on your MP3. You’ve probably got about a fifteen-hundred songs already that can be quickly, easily and effectively converted to whisper-sung lullabies that will soothe crying baby back to a state of weightless sleep. And doing this will earn you bragging rights with your wife.
Not that she’ll actually give a damn for more than six seconds…
I think this would be a good playlist to accompany the new book “Go to fuck to sleep”
Good point consideration, it would be very helpful to newly parents.
I remember singing “I’m walking the floor over you” to my oldest when she would not sleep through the night. The things we do to amuse ourselves while being held hostage by a three month old! Great essay Mr. Jones!