Stone Soup: Living Authentically

I removed the blood pressure cuff and put it aside, jotting down the information on my clipboard. The older woman in the bed was in a somber mood, reflecting on her hopes and dreams, and the realities of her past choices. She confided to me that she had not married the true love of her life because her parents did not approve of him. He was her true soul mate, she told me, and she let him go because his religion was not one that her parents agreed with.

She shook her head, smoothing her blankets with her gnarled hands. “I wonder now, all these years later, how different my life would have been if I had married him. How I loved him!” There was sadness in her voice, and regret.

Nurses often have a confessional ear to the deepest secrets of their patient’s lives and I’ve had many an older person confide their regrets to me in the wee hours of the night. Didn’t marry for the right reason, worked too many long hours, didn’t take care of their own health, stayed with an abusive partner and so on.

As I move into the third act of my life I am reflecting a lot on the idea of living authentically, of always learning and growing to become the best “me” that I can be. It seems that so much of becoming who we were meant to be involves letting go of what others think and making choices based on what our hearts tell us.

A couple of years ago I was having a drink at a local bar, when a rowdy group of young men sat down at a table next to me. I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation as it centered on one young man and his need to make a decision about a job offer. All the men at the table were cajoling him to take the job, as the money and benefits were so good. He admitted that it was a dream job, just not HIS dream job. He sheepishly told them that what he really dreamed of doing was sports casting. They shot that down like a rock. “What, are you, kidding? You don’t even have any experience! Don’t be an idiot, this job is sitting right there.”

The young man in question came up to the bar and while he was waiting for his drink I began to speak to him about his dreams. I encouraged him not to give up on what he truly wanted, that to do so could bring him monumental regrets later in life. We discussed his love of sports and his fascination with radio; we brainstormed ways he might venture toward that vocation. He listened and expressed gratitude, and I’d like to think it made a difference. So many times the “safe” choice that is sitting right there is a Trojan horse, and once we allow it inside, it can destroy our real hopes and dreams.

In the November issue of The Sun Magazine, Michael Meade is interviewed about his book Fate and Destiny. He discusses the challenges of living your life authentically, never stopping or giving in to the cultural norms. He states: “There’s an African proverb: “When death finds you, may it find you alive.” Alive means living your own damn life, not the life that your parents wanted, or the life some cultural group or political party wanted, but the life that your own soul wants to live.”

But how does one discover what the soul desires? There are many roads to self discovery, but for me it requires unplugging all the electronics and going out into nature. Walking along a river trail, the smell of wet leaves and pine cones filling the crisp air, I am allowed the space to think, to dream. This is when I find myself thrown open from the inside out. I can expand my dreams and line them up like toy soldiers- who gets walked forward, who stays back?

But more than accomplishments, I try to dream of the person that I want to continue to be, and this has been an evolution over the years. I am much more tender at this time in my life, much more prone to find peaceful ways to navigate conflict; I have less of a need to win. Black and white are not on the pallet and I’m okay living in the gray. Life is messy, but it’s part of being alive, the messiness, and the uncertainty.

Nine years ago I had a job that I hated and dreaded going to each day. I was a single parent and the hours were good, and I didn’t have to work weekends so I felt trapped. I read a book that challenged me to write down all the qualities that I would dream of in a job, and read it out loud each night before going to bed.

I decided to take a huge risk and believe that if I did, doors would open. I gave my boss notice and said that I would stay at the job until a replacement could be found, and each night I read my dream job out loud. I’m happy to report that in three months a replacement was found for my position and my dream job opened up to me. I continue to work there to this day. Without taking that risk of giving notice, I would never have had the courage to leave.

Regrets are inevitable, I think, for a life deeply lived, but if we are still here, then there is always room for redemption, for change, for creativity and risk taking. Each day is a new chance to live authentically on our own terms.

Woody Guthrie said it well: “Take it easy, but take it!”