You can tell it’s “that time of year” because the television is screaming at us about how many days are left till Christmas. Glittering trees, beautiful Hannukah displays, baked goods and candy, poinsettias and holiday music. All the hype and hoopla surrounding the season doesn’t mean a damn to someone who is suffering a loss.
When someone you love is no longer here, there is a deep and painful ache that runs through you like ice, and no amount of Christmas cheer can make it better. When you receive bad news about your health, it puts a pall over everything you do.
Last Christmas a friend of mine spent the day with her siblings and their grown children. No one asked about her son, who died three years ago. I’m sure they all thought it would make her sad, but instead she thought that they had all forgotten him. She thought about him all day, to herself in silence and drove home in tears.
This week I spoke to someone who has lost both daughters and now her mother and sister have Alzheimer’s, another person who just lost her mother and sister within a month of each other, two of my friends were diagnosed with cancer, another one is needing a bone marrow transplant. Two dear friends are still stinging from the loss of their sons, and another one from the loss of a grandson. My heart ached for them all.
Suffering never takes a holiday and most of us who are not in the midst of a loss sometimes feel uncomfortable about what to say.
Here is what I think is the absolute best thing to say to someone hurting at the holidays: Nothing. Just listen. Don’t try to make it better with the “This is God’s plan” or “at least he didn’t suffer” or “I think you should consider an antidepressant”. Just ask them to tell you how they feel, and listen.
Suffering is messy, people sob in broad daylight, they feel angry and sometimes lash out at others with their frayed emotions. There can be tearful reactions and displays of anger over the smallest of oversights, but this is all part of the pain, that is filling every cell of their being, and there is no blood-letting available.
Being present with someone who is suffering loss is gift. Allowing someone to unload their true feelings, not the ones we casually ask about, is a gift.
It may only take a minute or two to make a quick phone call, or write a little note to someone you know who is hurting. That little act of kindness will mean the world to them, because in this season of hope and renewal, some are sitting alone in silence, just trying to get through it intact.
If you know someone who is suffering, call them up and ask about it directly. Let them know that you are thinking of them. Your listening ear can’t take away the pain, but it lets them know that they are not alone, that someone cares. That’s a gift we can all give.
So true. We are afraid that speaking about their loss will make them feel worse. But
iIt’s the silences that torture. Even a clumsy word or two is far better than those silences.
I so agree with you and Clarice. Thanks for sharing. Clumsy or comforting words words break the silence that someone acknowledges and can listen/understand the pain, grief and loss that doesn’t take holiday.