me at ten years old
Several years ago I wrote this to my mother, after many years of a very difficult relationship. As the holidays approach, perhaps some of what I share here will help even one person to move forward, to a place of enjoyment and gratitude, rather than holding on to anything less.
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Dear Mom,
I am writing this because I need to, for myself. Perhaps it will help you as well, in some way. I hope so.
As you know, I have long felt that my past and my life as a child had a very negative effect on me into adulthood. For so long, I had to handle painful emotions that I feel were rooted in me, way back then.
Overall, my memories of childhood are laced with fear and sadness.
Now that I am in my fifties, I am so very, very tired of holding onto the past and allowing these feelings to continue. I keep hearing that to heal the past, I must forgive whoever may have hurt me.
I know in my heart I have not forgiven you, that I still harbor resentment, anger and so much regret over all that happened between us. I truly want to let go of every single bit of that before I leave this world and before you leave, as well.
No one knows who of us will go bye-bye first. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I can, once and for all, forgive you and Dad for creating what I have long felt was simply a very difficult environment to grow up in.
Maya Angelou says, “When you know better, you do better”.
I know you and Dad came together as a couple with your own childhoods and histories affecting you very deeply. There’s no doubt you never meant to create an environment in our home that would hurt any of us. It happened, though, and was pretty much out of your control most of the time.
I know both of you tried very hard to make a success of marriage and family. I truly believe that. I saw the effort you both made, day in and day out. You devoted so much of your lives to all of us, even though it clearly didn’t result in fulfillment for either one of you.
Both of you were trapped in many ways by your own past, and by society, finances and so many other burdens you faced as parents and individuals.
I have carried the scars and wounds all my life that came from relationships I had with you, with Dad and even my siblings. I feel, at times, that I am still bleeding from those wounds. I see some of my siblings in the same condition. It’s not easy to witness.
I’m sure it is very sad for you, as a mother, to see what your children are dealing with now. I’m glad there are some of us doing fairly well. I hope that gives you a sense of completion and comfort, as a mother. You deserve that, after all the years you gave of yourself.
I sincerely hope that at your age, you feel some sense of accomplishment and contentment about all that your life has been. You had so much sadness, loneliness and fear yourself, from the time you were so very young. I hope you have found some measure of peace and joy within yourself, despite all the challenges.
It is so easy to be carried away by the demands, the concepts and the pressures of this world. We get distracted so easily from the very simple joy that was placed within our own hearts. I hope, as you grow older, you can still feel that “heart of a child” that is within you, which never disappears, never loses its ability to appreciate. You deserve that as well. We all do. It’s what we were born for, in my rarely humble opinion.
As for my own life and my experiences, those are now completely my own responsibility. The time for resentment and blame is long gone. I write you now to put a final end to all of the unwanted feelings I have had toward you, for so many years.
I now release all blame I have directed at you so many times. I release the resentment I have harbored for things that happened to me. I release the grief I have felt over our relationship. I release the fear that I learned as a child and the loneliness it led to. I release the sadness that flooded me over not having the happy family I wanted so badly.
Most of all, I forgive what was, I accept what is, and I move on.
I know the relationship between us may not be loving and close, like we might both wish for. Perhaps my attempts to finally let go and forgive will bring us some of that. I really don’t know.
If that does happen, it would be lovely. If not, we can both, at the very least, feel some peace, some acceptance about what we do have between us. It hasn’t all been negative. There have been wonderful times and there’s still time left, for both of us, to share some nice moments together.
Thank you for reading and hopefully understanding what I have tried to say. Words are not always the best way to express what is so much deeper than what we may say, but I did the best I could here.
Most of all, I thank you, and Dad, for bringing me onto this beautiful Earth. Despite all the pain and problems, I know that life is offered as a precious, priceless and magical gift. It will not last forever. I want to be sure to appreciate and understand, while I am here, that life itself is the most amazing thing that could ever have been given to me.
Best to you always.
Love,
Candy
